February in Denver means two things: inconsistent weather and the looming pressure of Valentine’s Day.
If you are single, the apps feel like a second job. If you are in a relationship, the pressure shifts to performance. You need to get the right reservation (good luck getting into El Five or Linger this late), buy the right gift, and feel the right feelings.
But for many men in the Highlands, this time of year triggers something deeper than just dinner stress. It triggers the question: “Is this actually the right person?”
This is relationship anxiety, and in a city full of high-performers, it is becoming an epidemic.
Satisficer vs. Maximizer
First off, yes, satisficer is a made up word. It was coined by academic Herbert Simon in the 1950’s as a combination of satisfy and suffice.
- Satisficers make a decision once their criteria are met and are generally happy with it.
- Maximizers need to know they made the absolute best possible choice. They constantly worry that a better option exists just around the corner.
Social media and dating apps encourage maximizers, regardless of whether or not this serves you. You optimize your career, your workout routine, your investment portfolio, and your weekend itinerary. It makes sense that you would try to optimize your partner, too.
You might find yourself obsessing over small flaws: “We have fun, but she doesn’t like skiing enough.” “He’s kind, but is he ambitious enough?”
This constant scanning for flaws isn’t necessarily about your partner. It’s the fear that if you don’t find “The One” (a mythical, perfect being), you are settling for a failed life.
The Paradox of Choice in Denver
Modern dating apps exploit this anxiety. When you live in a dense area like the Highlands, the illusion of choice is everywhere. You open an app and see hundreds of other potential matches within a 2-mile radius.
“The grass is greener” as they say. When your current relationship hits a rough patch (which all relationships do), it’s easy to fantasize that someone else out there would be easier, fitter, or more aligned with your niche interests. If you don’t feel Hollywood sparks on a first date it is all too easy to hop back on the apps and find the next match.
But here is the hard truth: Great relationships are built, not found.
3 Ways to Stop “Auditing” Your Relationship
If you are spending more time analyzing your relationship than enjoying it, try these three shifts.
1. A modified 80/20 Rule
A modification of the old adage that 80% of our results come from 20% of our efforts. Perfection does not exist. Even the best marriage will have friction. If you get along 80% of the time, if you share values, have sexual chemistry, and generally respect each other, that is a winning ticket. The other 20% is the “price of admission.” Maybe they chew loudly or have annoying friends. If you dump someone for the 20%, you aren’t upgrading; you’re just trading one set of 20% annoyances for a different set.
2. Don’t check boxes, build a connection
Men often approach dating with a checklist, asking themselves “Does she check all of the boxes?” Try shifting to a creator mindset “What are we building together?”. When you focus on shared experiences (planning a trip, cooking a meal, handling a crisis) you stop looking at your partner as list of checkboxes evaluated and start seeing them as a teammate.
3. What are you really anxious about?
Often, relationship anxiety is actually just general anxiety looking for a target. If you are stressed at work, sleeping poorly, or feeling insecure about your own direction in life, your brain will look for a scapegoat. It’s easier to say “This relationship isn’t working” than to say “I am deeply unhappy with my career.” Before you blow up your relationship, do a self-audit. Are you anxious about her, or are you just anxious?
Clarity vs. Anxiety
There is a difference between a gut feeling that something is wrong (red flags, abuse, incompatibility) and the buzzing anxiety of perfectionism.
If you are stuck in a loop of doubt, breaking up won’t fix it. You’ll just carry that anxiety into the next relationship.
Anxiety therapy helps you distinguish between valid deal-breakers and the fear of commitment. If you are in the Denver area and want to stop obsessing and start connecting, let’s talk.
