There is an unspoken expectation that men are supposed to be entirely self-sufficient. When the pressure at work ramps up, finances get tight, or a relationship starts feeling heavy, there can be a resistance to asking for help. The instinct is to retreat, put our heads down, and try to outwork the problem in silence.
There is nothing inherently wrong about taking time to process things internally, this default setting of walling off points to a deeper issue facing men in Denver. What starts as a temporary withdrawal to catch our breath quickly turns into a habit of chronic disconnection.
Generally when women get stressed, they tend to seek social support, they reach out to friends and family. When men get stressed, we tend to isolate. We say, “I’ll handle it,” “I don’t want to burden anyone,” or “I just need to be left alone for a while.”
There is a fine line between recharging your batteries and cutting yourself off from your life.
Lots of People, Little Connection
Walk down 32nd Avenue on a Saturday, or grab a drink at Zuni Brewery. You are in the community, with people. There is value in this for sure, but it doesn’t fill our need for genuine connection.
Denver is a transient city. Many men moved here for the lifestyle—the mountains, the skiing, the job market—leaving established social circles and family networks back East or out West. You might have activity buddies you ski or watch the Broncos with, but do those relationships extend outside of a lone shared activity?
Again, nothing wrong with buddies that fill a one note role. The issues arise when this is all you have.
Solitude vs. Isolation
To fix this, we need to distinguish between two states of being alone. They look the same from the outside, but they feel completely different on the inside.
1. Solitude (The Recharge)
Solitude is intentional. It is going for a solo run around Sloan’s Lake, hitting the gym with your headphones in, or reading a book in a quiet corner of a coffee shop. You feel refreshed, clearer, and ready to re-engage with your family, your work, and your friends. These are activities you find value in, and generally feel demonstrably better for doing them (even if you don’t want to).
2. Isolation (The Avoidance)
Isolation is often a reaction to stress, or not accurately an attempt to not feel the stress. It is ignoring text messages for three days, staying up until 2:00 AM playing video games to numb out, or having the extra beer or hit of the vape. You feel drained, anxious, and shameful. Even if they are activities you usually find enjoyment in you feel worse after (of just get hit with all the emotions you’ve been distracting from).
Breaking the disconnect cycle.
You don’t need to become a social butterfly to fix this. Here are three tips for moving in a better direction.
1. Find A Third Place
There is a sociological concept of a “third place.” The first place is home, second place is work, a third place is a social environment distinct from the first two. It could be a local run club, a BJJ gym, or a specific coffee shop in LoHi. The goal isn’t to force deep conversations with strangers. The goal is simply presence. Being recognized and exchanging brief, low-stakes banter sets the foundation for building relationships and connection.
2. The Shoulder-to-Shoulder Rule
While women tend to seek out face-to-face bonding (sitting at a table talking about feelings), science says men tend to bond better shoulder-to-shoulder. Shoulder-to-shoulder is really any shared activity: a home project, a run, the driving range, landscaping. The conversation naturally happens around the activity, the key is take a risk and find an opportunity to talk about real shit.
3. Stop Leaving People on Read
When we are depressed or anxious, we ghost people. We see the text, aren’t feeling it, and think, “I’ll reply later.” Then we feel weird it took so long to respond and later becomes never. You don’t have to have a full conversation, but make it a point to acknowledge the outreach within 24 hours. Even a simple “Head down at work, catch you next week” keeps the lifeline open.
Better Tools
Independence can be a virtue, but there is a point of diminishing returns. If you find yourself retreating further and further into your shell this winter, it’s time to change tactics.
Therapy for men provides a confidential space to speak candidly and get to the root of things. If you are in the Highlands and want better tools than distracting and avoiding, let’s connect.
