Yup, Men's Menal Health is a Thing
“What kind of work do you do?”
It’s a pretty common question. Given enough time making small talk there is a near certainty it will come up. I had a professor in grad school that theorized that if you lined up ten men under the age of 45 and asked them to tell you about themselves, the first thing nine of them would say would be what they do for a living. She also theorized the answer would change above the age of 45, but that is probably a whole different post on the shifting male identity throughout the lifespan.
Of course I am happy to share what I do, which usually leads to a follow-up question, usually some variety of: “what’s your specialty?”. Happy to answer that one as well, and after being in this field for more than 15 years I still find the responses I get interesting when I tell people my focus is on men’s mental health.
I am often met with low-key surprise. Sometimes it is along the lines of “huh, I didn’t know that was a thing”, other times more a “damn, I’ve looked and that’s hard to find, nice to know it’s out there”. Those aren’t the only responses of course, but the ones that go beyond typical social conventions tend to be in line with long standing societal themes of neglecting the mental health of men.
I’m confident we have evolved beyond the days of overvaluing the extreme representations of the “stoic man” and the “strong silent type” (though I very often hear stoicism conflated with emotional reserve/withholding, but again, another post for another day). Emphasis here on the “extreme”, as there is certainly a place in healthy male identity for reservation and the strong silent type, just not at the expense of other things. While we have come a long way, I am equally confident we still have a long way to go in addressing the mental health needs of men.
I was on the topic of work with a dude I’ve gotten to be friends with through jiu-jitsu recently. He was curious, and the follow-up questions were around work stress, fear of success, and if specializing in men’s mental health meant working with a lot of C-level executives. These were relatable topics for him, but it still struck me that our starting point for conceptualizing men’s mental health was through work, from the perspective of helping successful guys improve performance and maintain or improve success. For sure these are topics that come up frequently for men, but they also represent a narrowed view of men’s mental health. A narrowed view of men’s lived experience.
My BJJ buddy, outside of some admitted workaholic tendencies, is doing pretty well. On the other end of the spectrum is a sympathetic story my wife told me about a co-worker. She is a healthcare professional that worked in a setting where you are side by side with someone for an entire shift. When you’re working with someone in that context for that long there is a certain level of candidness that is unavoidable. He was a guy in his early 20’s that was honest about his ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety that came with a sense of hopelessness as he wanted to do something about them, but was resigned there wasn’t help available for him. My wife disclosed that I, quite specifically, work with men like him. “That’s actually a thing?” was his response. He had looked, but his search came up empty, leaving him to draw the conclusion that therapy wasn’t for a guy like him.
I don’t know if he ever got the help he wanted (it would be a conflict of interest for my wife to hand out my business cards, as well as for me to see someone she works so closely with). It’s pretty hard to find a therapist that is a good fit under any circumstances without some referral or direction. Us humans are complicated, and finding a therapist that can help our unique circumstances isn’t always as easy as picking a name out of a directory.
The task can be harder for guys. Psychotherapy is a field that can lean heavily towards the feminine. We could really get in the weeds on the history of psychology, stereotypes and stigma around therapy, and general societal expectations, but demographics makes the point well enough. Roughly 70% of therapists are female, and roughly two thirds of therapy clients are female. Do a quick search, a quick survey of your social circle, and it is easy for a guy to draw the incorrect conclusion that therapy is women treating women. Throw in the stigma and societal expectations I’m not getting into detail with here and it’s REALLY easy for guys to draw the conclusion “therapy isn’t for me”.
There’s a heavy cost associated with men thinking that way. I see my fair share of guys coming into my office to be pro-active about relational dynamics, or because something just isn’t right and they are comfortable seeking help. But all too often are the guys who are at, or past, a point of crisis. There’s an ultimatum: “therapy or divorce”, a job may be in jeopardy, those couple of drinks that used to take the edge off at the end of the day have now turned into something else.
I often think these crises were avoidable, if only these men knew what help was out there, and it was more acceptable to utilize it.
Men are half as likely to be diagnosed with depression, but they are three times as likely to die by suicide. Suicide is the second highest cause of death In the US for men from birth through the age of 45. The reasons for that disparity are complex, but one of the biggest is that we haven’t done a good enough job of normalizing men getting the help they need. Anxiety and depression can, and often do, look different for men, and they respond to them differently. Sure, the steely reserve of Clint Eastwood-esque stoicism can get in the way of acknowledging emotional pain, but often times it is a genuine lack of knowledge.
Tackling the complexities of why men don’t seek help is a big hurdle, but tackling them is moot if men don’t know there is help specifically “for them”. There’s no shortage of products and services target for men, and therapy doesn’t have to be any different.
So, yes, men’s mental health is a thing.